How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
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Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Oh thanks BBC.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k