I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
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Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.