My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Born to be mild.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.