i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
For the baby who has everything
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue