Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
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Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.