Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
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Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Yeah. This was me today.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.