pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
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Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
The old gods are rising again.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.