Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
You Might Also Like
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News