Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
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Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat