I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
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Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
God has abandoned us.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur