I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
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[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
so much to do
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.