Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
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I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Siri, fight Alexa.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt