Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
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I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”