Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
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It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.