The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
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Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
The three genders
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*Seductively hides in the woods
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.