{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
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Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.