If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
You Might Also Like
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone