Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.