My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
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How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.