I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
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Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
*checks Timeline*…
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.