Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
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reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
peep davidson
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Growing out my freckles.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.