If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
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hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it