Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*