there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
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I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Think I pulled my liver
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.