The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
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police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it