In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
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I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*