you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
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Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.