Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
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My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”