*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
You Might Also Like
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus