RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
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just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.