How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth