You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
@ candidates for local office
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.