I was just discussing this with my cat
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again