Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
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You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
english majors be like furthermore
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.