In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
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My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.