I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
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“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
What flavor cupcake are these
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
*jazz hands*
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift