Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
You Might Also Like
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
The news is so predictable nowadays
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
12. I think about this all the damn time
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes