Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
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Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
March 16
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS