the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
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BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
based al yankovic
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis