I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
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If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
twitter is a journey
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!