Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
You Might Also Like
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Important
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn