ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
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Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
brian had himself a morning…
he’s doing your taxes
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
sounds kinky. i’m in.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Put a ring on it