Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
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[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok: