When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
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I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Sounds like a bargain
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.