“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
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Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Don’t touch that.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
who wants to go expliring
“Why you watching this shit?”
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.