Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
You Might Also Like
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)