Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
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Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
taking June’s advice to heart
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.