There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
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My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect