She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
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Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
they really do be looking like this
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out