Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
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me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.